var Quotation=new Array()
Quotation[0] = "A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired."
Quotation[1] = "What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)."
Quotation[2] = "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
Quotation[3] = "A backwards poet writes inverse."
Quotation[4] = "In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
Quotation[5] = "She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off."
Quotation[6] = "A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion."
Quotation[7] = "If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed."
Quotation[8] = "With her marriage she got a new name and a dress."
Quotation[9] = "Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor."
Quotation[10] = "When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds."
Quotation[11] = "The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered."
Quotation[12] = "A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart."
Quotation[13] = "You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it."
Quotation[14] = "Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under."
Quotation[15] = "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don't walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone."
Quotation[16] = "There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works..."
Quotation[17] = "It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
Quotation[18] = "Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any." 
Quotation[19] = "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted." 
Quotation[20] = "We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse."
Quotation[21] = "Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else." 
Quotation[22] = "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." 
Quotation[23] = "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
Quotation[24] = "It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help."
Quotation[25] = "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car re-payments." 
Quotation[26] = "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
Quotation[27] = "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." 
Quotation[28] = "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day."
Quotation[29] = "If you lend someone R20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." 
Quotation[30] = "Don't squat with your spurs on."
Quotation[31] = "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
Quotation[32] = "Everybody's entitled to my own opinion"
Quotation[33] = "Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
Quotation[34] = "Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time."
Quotation[35] = "Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment." 
Quotation[36] = "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."
Quotation[37] = "Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
Quotation[38] = "A closed mouth gathers no foot." 
Quotation[39] = "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together."
Quotation[40] = "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire."
Quotation[41] = "Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving."
Quotation[42] = "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
Quotation[43] = "Never miss a good chance to shut up"
Quotation[44] = "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"
Quotation[45] = "I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in  terror like the passengers in his car."
Quotation[46] = "I can't dial 911, because there's no 11 on my phone."
Quotation[47] = "I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'."
Quotation[48] = "What is a free gift?  Aren't all gifts free?"
Quotation[49] = "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
Quotation[50] = "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
Quotation[51] = "Hard work will pay off later.  Laziness pays off now!"
Quotation[52] = "Sometimes I wake up grumpy.  Other times, I let her sleep."
Quotation[53] = "Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house."
Quotation[54] = "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."
Quotation[55] = "I still miss my ex.  But my aim is getting better!"
Quotation[56] = "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her."
Quotation[57] = "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
Quotation[58] = "The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population."
Quotation[59] = "A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party."
Quotation[60] = "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
Quotation[61] = "Losing a wife can be hard.  In some cases it's almost impossible."
Quotation[62] = "If you run out of sick days, call in dead."
Quotation[63] = "It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."
Quotation[64] = "Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
Quotation[65] = "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
Quotation[66] = "The 50-50-90 rule:  Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
Quotation[67] = "It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them."
Quotation[68] = "Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humour."
Quotation[69] = "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"
Quotation[70] = "Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population."
Quotation[71] = "If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
Quotation[72] = "Eat right.  Stay fit.  Die anyway."
Quotation[73] = "The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first."
Quotation[74] = "Flashlight:  A device for finding dead batteries."
Quotation[75] = "Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark."
Quotation[76] = "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
Quotation[77] = "When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!"
Quotation[78] = "A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well."
Quotation[79] = "It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats."
Quotation[80] = "The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep."
Quotation[81] = "Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
Quotation[82] = "I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few."
Quotation[83] = "I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it."
Quotation[84] = "Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
Quotation[85] = "In any organisation, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired."
Quotation[86] = "What's large, grey and doesn't really matter? ...........Irrelephant." 
Quotation[87] = "When the going gets tough, everyone leaves."
Quotation[88] = "History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other."
Quotation[89] = "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." 
Quotation[90] = "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
Quotation[91] = "Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about." 
Quotation[92] = "It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." 
Quotation[93] = "Virtue is its own punishment." 
Quotation[94] = "If the shoe fits, its ugly."
Quotation[95] = "When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe." 
Quotation[96] = "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." 
Quotation[97] = "The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut." 
Quotation[98] = "Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know."
Quotation[99] = "Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things."
Quotation[100] = "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
Quotation[101] = "If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?"
Quotation[102] = "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose."

Quotation[103] = "Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?"
Quotation[104] = "If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?"
Quotation[105] = "And whose cruel idea was it to put an 'S' in the word Lisp?"
Quotation[106] = "If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?"
Quotation[107] = "If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?"
Quotation[108] = "Is there another word for synonym?"
Quotation[109] = "Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
Quotation[110] = "What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"
Quotation[111] = "If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?"
Quotation[112] = "Would a wingless fly be called a walk?"
Quotation[113] = "Home is where you hang your '@'"
Quotation[114] = "The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail."
Quotation[115] = "A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click."
Quotation[116] = "You can't teach a new mouse old clicks."
Quotation[117] = "C:\ is the root of all directories."
Quotation[118] = "What Intel provideth, Microsoft taketh away."
Quotation[119] = "Too many clicks spoil the browse."
Quotation[120] = "What boots up must come down."
Quotation[121] = "Virtual reality is its own reward."
Quotation[122] = "A user and his leisure time are soon parted."
Quotation[123] = "There's no place like http://www.home.com"
Quotation[124] = "Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice."
Quotation[125] = "Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."
Quotation[126] = "Groucho Marx: Quote me as saying I was misquoted."
Quotation[127] = "Only Dead Fish Go With The Flow"
Quotation[128] = "Groucho Marx: Time wounds all heels."
Quotation[129] = "Groucho Marx: Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!"
Quotation[130] = "Groucho Marx: He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
Quotation[131] = "Noel Coward: There's less to this than meets the eye."
Quotation[132] = "Groucho Marx: Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Quotation[133] = "Groucho Marx: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Quotation[134] = "Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them."
Quotation[135] = "If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation."
Quotation[136] = "Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security."
Quotation[137] = "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
Quotation[138] = "Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity"
Quotation[139] = "A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat."
Quotation[140] = "Plagiarism saves time."
Quotation[141] = "If at first you don't succeed, try management."
Quotation[142] = "Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
Quotation[143] = "TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself."
Quotation[144] = "Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups."
Quotation[145] = "We waste time, so you don't have to."
Quotation[146] = "Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!"
Quotation[147] = "Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."
Quotation[148] = "When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break."
Quotation[149] = "INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY."
Quotation[150] = "Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. "
Quotation[151] = "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
Quotation[152] = "Never be afraid to try something new … remember … amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic. "
Quotation[153] = "Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. "
Quotation[154] = "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. "
Quotation[155] = "Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out? "
Quotation[156] = "Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. "
Quotation[157] = "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. "
Quotation[158] = "An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. "
Quotation[159] = "There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year. "
Quotation[160] = "STUPIDITY should be painful "
Quotation[161] = "I don't suffer from Insanity.... I enjoy every minute of it. "
Quotation[162] = "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. "
Quotation[163] = "No one is listening until you make a mistake. "
Quotation[164] = "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. "
Quotation[165] = "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. "
Quotation[166] = "The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. "
Quotation[167] = "The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. "
Quotation[168] = "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. "
Quotation[169] = "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. "
Quotation[170] = "Two wrongs are only the beginning. "
Quotation[171] = "You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Quotation[172] = "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. If you are part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem"
Quotation[173] = "Just staying one day ahead of yesterday"
Quotation[174] = "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
Quotation[175] = "It's like trying to nail porridge to the wall"
Quotation[176] = "Sounds like somebody sawing through a bag of wet chickens"
Quotation[177] = "You can't get blood from a turnip"
Quotation[178] = "It's so hot I'm sweatin' pickles"
Quotation[179] = "It's like deja vu all over again"
Quotation[180] = "As useless as a screen door on a submarine, or as tits on a bull"
Quotation[181] = "Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra in the Antarctic"
Quotation[182] = "When all else fails, panic."
Quotation[183] = "He's so crooked they'll have to screw him in to the ground"
Quotation[184] = "I've got a good memory -it's just that it's so short"
Quotation[185] = "Confusius: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day."
Quotation[186] = "Confusius: Man who stand on toilet high on pot."
Quotation[187] = "Confusius: It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."
Quotation[188] = "Confusius: Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
Quotation[189] = "Confusius: Man who fart in church must sit in own pew."
Quotation[190] = "Confusius: Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
Quotation[191] = "Confusius: Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk."
Quotation[192] = "Confusius: Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
Quotation[193] = "Confusius: Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger."
Quotation[194] = "Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?"
Quotation[195] = "Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?"
Quotation[196] = "Why is the alphabet in that order?"
Quotation[197] = "Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?"
Quotation[198] = "Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?"
Quotation[199] = "Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?"
Quotation[200] = "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."
Quotation[201] = "Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
Quotation[202] = "Every morning is the dawn of a new error."
Quotation[203] = "Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay."
Quotation[204] = "Proof-read carefully to see if you any words out."
Quotation[205] = "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Quotation[206] = "A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking."
Quotation[207] = "I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem."
Quotation[208] = "Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out."
Quotation[209] = "If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished."
Quotation[210] = "Diplomacy -the art of letting someone have your way."
Quotation[211] = "It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere."
Quotation[212] = "Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."
Quotation[213] = "Look out for #1.  Don't step in #2 either."
Quotation[214] = "Budget: A method for going broke methodically."
Quotation[215] = "What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull."
Quotation[216] = "The meetings will continue until we find out why no work is being done."
Quotation[217] = "Dilbert: I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either."
Quotation[219] = "Dilbert: I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by."
Quotation[218] = "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion"
Quotation[220] = "Dilbert: Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."
Quotation[221] = "Dilbert: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue."
Quotation[222] = "Dilbert: Needing someone is like needing a parachute: if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again."
Quotation[223] = "Dilbert: I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."
Quotation[224] = "Dilbert: My reality check bounced."
Quotation[225] = "Dilbert: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key."
Quotation[226] = "Dilbert: I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier..."
Quotation[227] = "Dilbert: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!"
Quotation[228] = "Dilbert: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo..."
Quotation[229] = "Dilbert: Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."
Quotation[230] = "Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick."
Quotation[231] = "Groucho Marx: Room service? Send up a larger room."
Quotation[232] = "Groucho Marx: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Quotation[233] = "Groucho Marx: A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
Quotation[234] = "Groucho Marx: From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
Quotation[235] = "Groucho Marx: You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"
Quotation[236] = "Groucho Marx: You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
Quotation[237] = "Groucho Marx: A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Quotation[238] = "Groucho Marx: Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
Quotation[239] = "Groucho Marx: Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Quotation[240] = "Groucho Marx: Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
Quotation[241] = "Groucho Marx: One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
Quotation[242] = "Groucho Marx: There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man."
Quotation[243] = "Groucho Marx: I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."
Quotation[244] = "Groucho Marx: I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Quotation[245] = "Groucho Marx: If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Quotation[246] = "Groucho Marx: I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Quotation[247] = "Groucho Marx: It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."
Quotation[248] = "Groucho Marx: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Quotation[249] = "Groucho Marx: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
Quotation[250] = "Groucho Marx: Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
Quotation[251] = "Groucho Marx: Women should be obscene and not heard."
Quotation[252] = "Groucho Marx: Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"
Quotation[253] = "Groucho Marx: Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Quotation[254] = "Groucho Marx: Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Quotation[255] = "Groucho Marx: As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
Quotation[256] = "Groucho Marx: Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!"
Quotation[257] = "Groucho Marx: Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Quotation[258] = "Groucho Marx: I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
Quotation[259] = "Groucho Marx: Whatever it is,... I'm against it."
Quotation[260] = "Groucho Marx: A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Quotation[261] = "The older I get, the faster I was"
Quotation[262] = "ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle"
Quotation[263] = "BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye"
Quotation[264] = "CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people"
Quotation[265] = "COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours"
Quotation[266] = "DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out"
Quotation[267] = "EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation"
Quotation[268] = "HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage"
Quotation[269] = "INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper"
Quotation[270] = "MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better"
Quotation[271] = "RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn"
Quotation[272] = "SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time"
Quotation[273] = "SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off"
Quotation[274] = "TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction"
Quotation[275] = "TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today"
Quotation[276] = "YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed"
Quotation[277] = "WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines"
Quotation[278] = "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met"
Quotation[279] = "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong"
Quotation[280] = "Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy"
Quotation[281] = "All men are born free and equal, but some of them get married"
Quotation[282] = "Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred"
Quotation[283] = "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her"
Quotation[284] = "A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes"
Quotation[285] = "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me"
Quotation[286] = "Never, Never, Never, ever.......fart in a wet suit !!!!!!"
Quotation[287] = "Where was the toothbrush invented? Boksburg. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush"
Quotation[288] = "A new law was recently passed in Boksburg. When a couple gets divorced they remain cousins"
Quotation[289] = " 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? .......I think not"                                                          
Quotation[290] = "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" 
Quotation[291] = "WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not"
Quotation[292] = "WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting"
Quotation[293] = "WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard"
Quotation[294] = "Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and  miss" 
Quotation[295] = "Cooking lesson no. 1: Don't fry bacon in the nude"
Quotation[296] = "Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker"
Quotation[297] = "Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day"
Quotation[298] = "If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes"
Quotation[299] = "If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem"
Quotation[300] = "If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague"
Quotation[301] = "If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing"
Quotation[302] = "If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie"
Quotation[303] = "Depression - A heightened sense of reality"
Quotation[304] = "Fallacy - Your beliefs, as opposed to mine"
Quotation[305] = "Hospital - Hazard from which the populace are protected by a waiting list"
Quotation[306] = "Life - A sexually transmitted disease, inevitably fatal"
Quotation[307] = "Politician - One with a permanent smile on both his faces"
Quotation[308] = "Prudence - Post-election tax increases and spending cuts"
Quotation[309] = "How can I soar like an eagle when I work with bunch of turkeys"
Quotation[310] = "Socialist - One who knows what’s best for everyone else"
Quotation[311] = "Wind turbine - A white elephant surrounded by dead birds"
Quotation[312] = "And what's more - I agree with everything I've just said"
Quotation[313] = "Gynaecologists put in a hard day at the orifice"
Quotation[314] = "I could live a better life if I had a better body"
Quotation[315] = "Is artificial insemination the innoculate conception?"
Quotation[316] = "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"
Quotation[317] = "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you"
Quotation[318] = "life is a sexually transmitted disease"
Quotation[319] = "Oxymorons: 'State worker', 'Legally drunk', 'Exact estimate', 'Act naturally'"
Quotation[320] = "Oxymorons: 'Found missing', 'Resident alien', 'Genuine imitation', 'Good grief'"
Quotation[321] = "Oxymorons: 'Government organisation', 'Sanitry landfill', 'Alone together', 'Business ethics'"
Quotation[322] = "Oxymorons: 'Military intelligence', 'Sweet sorrow', 'Compassionate Conservative', 'Now, then....'"
Quotation[323] = "Oxymorons: 'Passive aggression', 'Clearly misunderstood', 'Peace force', 'Extinct life'"
Quotation[324] = "Oxymorons: 'Plastic glasses', 'Terribly pleased', 'Political science', 'Tight slacks'"
Quotation[325] = "Oxymorons: 'Definite maybe', 'Pretty ugly', 'Rap music', 'Working vaction', 'Religious tolerance"
Quotation[326] = "Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery"
Quotation[327] = "A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking"
Quotation[328] = "A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative"
Quotation[329] = "My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time"
Quotation[330] = "Dijon vu: the same mustard as before"
Quotation[331] = "Practice safe eating: always use condiments"
Quotation[332] = "I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me up the wrong way"
Quotation[333] = "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother" 
Quotation[334] = "Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death"
Quotation[335] = "I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded"
Quotation[336] = "I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe"
Quotation[337] = "If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?" 
Quotation[338] = "A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy"
Quotation[339] = "Marriage is the mourning after the knot before"
Quotation[340] = "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
Quotation[341] = "Corduroy pillows are making headlines"
Quotation[342] = "Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?" 
Quotation[343] = "Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play"
Quotation[344] = "Banning the bra was a big flop"
Quotation[345] = "Sea captains don't like crew cuts"
Quotation[346] = "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
Quotation[347] = "A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter"
Quotation[348] = "A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour"
Quotation[349] = "A breast without a nipple is pointless"
Quotation[350] = "When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination" 
Quotation[351] = "Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red"
Quotation[352] = "When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I"
Quotation[353] = "Your home is at risk if you keep open buckets of paraffin in your living room and you smoke"
Quotation[354] = "Foreplay: a waste of f.....g time"
Quotation[355] = "People have the right to be stupid, but some people just abuse that privilege" 
Quotation[356] = "SEX is not the answer. SEX is the question and YES is the answer!!" 
Quotation[357] = "The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water"
Quotation[358] = "Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door" 
Quotation[359] = "I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me." 
Quotation[360] = "God gave men a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time" 
Quotation[361] = "God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy"
Quotation[362] = "Coffee: the person upon whom one coughs"
Quotation[363] = "Flabbergasted:  appalled over how much weight you have gained" 
Quotation[364] = "Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach"
Quotation[365] = "Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk"
Quotation[366] = "Willy-nilly: impotent"
Quotation[367] = "Negligent: describes condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown "
Quotation[368] = "Lymph: to walk with a lisp"
Quotation[369] = "Gargoyle: olive-flavoured mouthwash"
Quotation[370] = "Flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller" 
Quotation[371] = "Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline"
Quotation[372] = "Testicle: a humorous question on an exam"
Quotation[373] = "Rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists"
Quotation[374] = "Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist"
Quotation[375] = "Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms"
Quotation[376] = "Circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men"
Quotation[377] = "Practice safe eating - always use condiments"
Quotation[378] = "Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death"
Quotation[379] = "Those who jump off a bridge in Paris..... must be in Seine"
Quotation[380] = "A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy....."
Quotation[381] = "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
Quotation[382] = "Reading while sunbathing makes you well red "
Quotation[383] = "When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I ........"
Quotation[384] = "With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress"
Quotation[385] = "Every calendar's days are numbered "
Quotation[386] = "A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine"
Quotation[387] = "A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat"
Quotation[388] = "A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large"
Quotation[389] = "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end"
Quotation[390] = "Once you've seen one shopping centre...you've seen a mall"
Quotation[391] = "Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis "
Quotation[392] = "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses "
Quotation[393] = "Acupuncture is a jab well done"
Quotation[394] = "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother"
Quotation[395] = "Autophenomenological solipsism means won't get you laid."
Quotation[396] = "A jumper-lead walks into a bar. The barman says 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'" 
Quotation[397] = "Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted"
Quotation[398] = "A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry we don't serve food in here.'"
Quotation[399] = "A dyslexic man walks into a bra...."
Quotation[400] = "A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'"
Quotation[401] = "Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant."
Quotation[402] = "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'" 
Quotation[403] = "Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'" 
Quotation[404] = "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? 'It's not unusual.'" 
Quotation[405] = "Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: 'I was artificially inseminated this morning. 'I don't believe you,' said Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!'" 
Quotation[406] = "A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'" 
Quotation[407] = "Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,' I've lost my electron'. The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive...'" 
Quotation[408] = "Answer-phone message: ....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...." 
Quotation[409] = "Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before..." 
Quotation[410] = "Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! "
Quotation[411] = "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin."
Quotation[412] = "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any."
Quotation[413] = "I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him R50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'"
Quotation[414] = "My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant." 
Quotation[415] = "A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied,' I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'" 
Quotation[416] = "I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel. "
Quotation[417] = "Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too."
Quotation[418] = "A man walks into doctor's office.' What seems to be the problem?' asks the doc. 'It's... um... well... I have five willies.' replies the man. 'Yus!' says the doctor, 'How do your trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.'" 
Quotation[419] = "Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. "
Quotation[420] = "What do you call a fish with no eyes? .....Fsh "
Quotation[421] = "Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'damn!'" 
Quotation[422] = "Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘Do you know how to drive this thing?’"
Quotation[423] = "He is a self-made man who worships his creator." 
Quotation[424] = "What do you call a blind antelope? - no idea. And one without legs? - still no idea."
Quotation[426] = "I always wanted to be someone, but I guess I should have been more specific"
Quotation[427] = "It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb expression on your face"
Quotation[428] = "The best leaders inpire by example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too"
Quotation[429] = "None of us is as dumb as all of us"
Quotation[430] = "The secret of success is knowing who to blame for your failures"
Quotation[431] = "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style"
Quotation[432] = "Assmosis: the process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard"
Quotation[433] = "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce."
Quotation[434] = "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
Quotation[435] = "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
Quotation[436] = "I don't work here, I'm a consultant."
Quotation[437] = "You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers."
Quotation[438] = "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit"
Quotation[439] = "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
Quotation[440] = "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
Quotation[441] = "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental"
Quotation[442] = "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
Quotation[443] = "Errors have been made, others will be blamed"
Quotation[444] = "If you're not trying to impress anyone, it's working."
Quotation[445] = "Whatever look you were aiming at, you missed."
Quotation[446] = "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet."
Quotation[447] = "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
Quotation[448] = "Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here."
Quotation[449] = "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me."
Quotation[450] = "Allow me to introduce myselves"
Quotation[451] = "Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to begin with."
Quotation[452] = "Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly."
Quotation[453] = "Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid."
Quotation[454] = "Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high."
Quotation[455] = "Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it"
Quotation[456] = "Inoculatte: To take coffee intraveneously when you're running late."
Quotation[457] = "Hipatitus: Terminal coolness."
Quotation[458] = "Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease."
Quotation[459] = "Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, Right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer."
Quotation[460] = "Glibido: All talk and no action"
Quotation[461] = "Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to sound smarter when they come at you rapidly."
Quotation[462] = "Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole."
Quotation[463] = "Vegetarian women are always silent during sex because they cannot believe a piece of meat is giving them so much pleasure" 
Quotation[464] = "A day without sunshine is like night."
Quotation[465] = "On the other hand, you have different fingers." 
Quotation[466] = "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot." 
Quotation[467] = "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." 
Quotation[468] = "Remember, half the people you know are below average. "
Quotation[469] = "He who laughs last thinks slowest. "
Quotation[470] = "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. "
Quotation[471] = "Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. "
Quotation[472] = "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. "
Quotation[473] = "Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. "
Quotation[474] = "How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. "
Quotation[475] = "OK, so what's the speed of dark? "
Quotation[476] = "When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. "
Quotation[477] = "If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
Quotation[478] = "How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? "
Quotation[479] = "Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? "
Quotation[480] = "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'"
Quotation[481] = "I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
Quotation[482] = "Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back."
Quotation[483] = "Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film." 
Quotation[484] = "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up."
Quotation[485] = "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
Quotation[486] = "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
Quotation[487] = "How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?"
Quotation[488] = "If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something."
Quotation[489] = "When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane."
Quotation[490] = "You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."
Quotation[491] = "One woman to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?''Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' "
Quotation[492] = "When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him." 
Quotation[493] = "A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished." 
Quotation[494] = "A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' 'I don't know, son, I'm still paying.'"
Quotation[495] = "A young son asked, 'Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' "
Quotation[496] = "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." 
Quotation[497] = "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."
Quotation[498] = "If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep."
Quotation[499] = "Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. "
Quotation[500] = "First guy: 'My wife's an angel!'Second guy: 'You're lucky. Mine's still alive.' "
Quotation[501] = "If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?"
Quotation[502] = "These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down."
Quotation[503] = "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
Quotation[504] = "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
Quotation[505] = "I intend to live forever — so far, so good."
Quotation[506] = "Mechanic: 'I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your hooter louder.'"
Quotation[507] = "One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'"
Quotation[508] = "Confucius: Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone." 
Quotation[509] = "Confucius: Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted." 
Quotation[510] = "Confucius: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ."
Quotation[511] = "Confucius: Man with one chopstick go hungry."
Quotation[512] = "Confucius: Man who scratch a*s should not bite fingernails." 
Quotation[513] = "Confucius: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night." 
Quotation[514] = "Confucius: Man who drive like hell, bound to get there." 
Quotation[515] = "Confucius: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
Quotation[516] = "Confucius: Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."
Quotation[517] = "War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left."
Quotation[517] = "It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it." 
Quotation[518] = "A crowded elevator always smells different to midget." 
Quotation[519] = "World's shortest joke: 'Dwarf shortage'"
Quotation[520] = "My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be." 
Quotation[521] = "Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. "
Quotation[522] = "The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. "
Quotation[523] = "Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about eing 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' "
Quotation[524] = "It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. " 
Quotation[525] = "Marriage changes passion: Suddenly you're in bed with a next of kin." 
Quotation[526] = "I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?'  She hit me." 
Quotation[527] = "Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants." 
Quotation[528] = "I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! "
Quotation[529] = "When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'" 
Quotation[530] = "Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference." 
Quotation[531] = "Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? " 
Quotation[532] = "And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes."
Quotation[533] = "Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut."
Quotation[534] = "A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they  were labelled  LSD?' Granny replies, 'F#ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'" 
Quotation[535] = "A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'"
Quotation[536] = "Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on  more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'" 
Quotation[537] = "An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I  just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'" 
Quotation[538] = "DNA: National Dyslexics Association"
Quotation[539] = "ANC: Association of National Criminals"
Quotation[540] = "Children in the front seat of a car can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat of a car can cause children."
Quotation[541] = "If you believe the quickest way to a man's heart is his stomach, aim a little lower"
Quotation[542] = "Women are like swiming pools: they cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the time you spend inside"
Quotation[543] = "To err is human. To blame somebody else is strategic"
Quotation[544] = "'Are you a pole vaulter?' 'No, I'm German, and my name's not Walter'"
Quotation[545] = "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."
Quotation[546] = "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them." 
Quotation[547] = "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
Quotation[548] = "Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive." 
Quotation[549] = "If your grandparents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't have any either"
Quotation[550] = "I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing." 
Quotation[551] = "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
Quotation[552] = "Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!" 
Quotation[553] = "Procrastinate Now!" 
Quotation[554] = "Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!" 
Quotation[555] = "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." 
Quotation[556] = "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD." 
Quotation[557] = "Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig." 
Quotation[558] = "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 
Quotation[559] = "God must love stupid people; He made so many." 
Quotation[560] = "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." 
Quotation[561] = "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps." 
Quotation[562] = "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? "
Quotation[563] = "Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest." 
Quotation[564] = "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now." 
Quotation[565] = "The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. "
Quotation[566] = "The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. "
Quotation[567] = "To write with a broken pencil is pointless. "
Quotation[568] = "When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. "
Quotation[569] = "A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. "
Quotation[570] = "A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. "
Quotation[571] = "Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. "
Quotation[572] = "We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. "
Quotation[573] = "When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. "
Quotation[574] = "The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. "
Quotation[575] = "The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. "
Quotation[576] = "Dead batteries are free of charge. "
Quotation[577] = "If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. "
Quotation[578] = "A dentist and a chiropodist fought tooth and nail. "
Quotation[579] = "He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. "
Quotation[580] = "A calendar's days are numbered. "
Quotation[581] = "A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. "
Quotation[582] = "A boiled egg is hard to beat. "
Quotation[563] = "A plateau is a high form of flattery. "
Quotation[584] = "Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. "
Quotation[585] = "When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. "
Quotation[586] = "When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. "
Quotation[587] = "Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. "
Quotation[588] = "Acupuncture: a jab well done. "
Quotation[589] = "Confucius: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient." 
Quotation[590] = "Confucius: Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly." 
Quotation[591] = "Confucius: Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent." 
Quotation[592] = "Confucius: Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts." 
Quotation[593] = "Confucius: Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion." 
Quotation[594] = "Confucius: Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted." 
Quotation[595] = "Confucius: Man who eats many prunes get good run for money." 
Quotation[596] = "Confucius: War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left." 
Quotation[597] = "Confucius: Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night." 
Quotation[598] = "Confucius: It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it." 
Quotation[599] = "Confucius: Man who drives like hell is bound to get there." 
Quotation[600] = "Confucius: Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Quotation[601] = "Confucius: Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement." 
Quotation[602] = "Confucius: Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs." 
Quotation[603] = "My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes."
Quotation[604] = "Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary."
Quotation[605] = "I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse."
Quotation[606] = "I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian."
Quotation[607] = "She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still."
Quotation[608] = " A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption."
Quotation[609] = "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me." 
Quotation[610] = "No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery."
Quotation[611] = "A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering."
Quotation[612] = "Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie."
Quotation[613] = "A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it."
Quotation[614] = "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
Quotation[615] = "Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'"
Quotation[616] = "A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'"
Quotation[617] = "The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran."
Quotation[618] = " When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion."
Quotation[619] = "A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'"
Quotation[620] = "Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication."
Quotation[621] = "There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did."
Quotation[622] = "I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." 
Quotation[623] = "The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement."
Quotation[624] = "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." 
Quotation[625] = "There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead."
Quotation[626] = "Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
Quotation[627] = "The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth." 
Quotation[628] = "Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?" 
Quotation[629] = "Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again."
Quotation[630] = "In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal." 
Quotation[631] = "How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
Quotation[632] = "Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'" 
Quotation[633] = "Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its backside.'" 
Quotation[634] = "If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? "
Quotation[635] = "If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"
Quotation[636] = "Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?"
Quotation[637] = "Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?"
Quotation[638] = "Anagram: PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER" 
Quotation[639] = "Anagram: ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER" 
Quotation[640] = "Anagram: DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT" 
Quotation[641] = "Anagram: THE EYES: THEY SEE"
Quotation[642] = "Anagram: GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE"
Quotation[643] = "Anagram: THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS"
Quotation[644] = "Anagram: DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM"
Quotation[645] = "Anagram: SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME"
Quotation[646] = "Anagram: ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY" 
Quotation[647] = "Anagram: ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT "
Quotation[648] = "Anagram: SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S "
Quotation[649] = "Anagram: A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE"
Quotation[650] = "Anagram: THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE"
Quotation[651] = "Anagram: ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE" 
Quotation[652] = "Anagram: MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER"
Quotation[653] = "Let's face it : After Monday and Tuesday...even the calendar says -----  W T F"
Quotation[654] = "A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part."
Quotation[655] = "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
Quotation[656] = "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."
Quotation[657] = "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
Quotation[658] = "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
Quotation[659] = "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
Quotation[660] = "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
Quotation[661] = "If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
Quotation[662] = "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."
Quotation[663] = "War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
Quotation[664] = "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
Quotation[665] = "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me." 
Quotation[666] = "The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese."
Quotation[667] = "Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
Quotation[668] = "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."
Quotation[669] = "A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station."
Quotation[670] = "Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years."
Quotation[671] = "Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
Quotation[672] = "Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish to eat."
Quotation[673] = "I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks."
Quotation[674] = "A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."
Quotation[675] = "I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."
Quotation[676] = "I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it...so I said 'Implants?'"
Quotation[677] = "Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?"
Quotation[678] = "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy."
Quotation[679] = "Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?"
Quotation[680] = "Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman."
Quotation[681] = "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
Quotation[682] = "You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice."
Quotation[683] = "The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!"
Quotation[684] = "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
Quotation[685] = "A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
Quotation[686] = "Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were."
Quotation[687] = " Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
Quotation[688] = "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Quotation[689] = "Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go."
Quotation[690] = "There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."
Quotation[670] = "How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
Quotation[691] = "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
Quotation[692] = "I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila."
Quotation[693] = "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water."
Quotation[694] = " You're never too old to learn something stupid."
Quotation[695] = "To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
Quotation[696] = "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
Quotation[697] = "Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever."
Quotation[698] = "A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it."
Quotation[699] = "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
Quotation[700] = "Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction."
Quotation[701] = "The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy."
Quotation[702] = "My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face."
Quotation[703] = "I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary."
Quotation[704] = "I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'"
Quotation[705] = "Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore."
Quotation[706] = "Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Leicester…………………………"
Quotation[707] = "I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'And that's just for starters!'"
Quotation[708] = "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list." 
Quotation[709] = "We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."
Quotation[710] = "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks."
Quotation[711] = "Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' "
Quotation[712] = "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy."
Quotation[713] = "Beneath every successful man is a woman."
Quotation[714] = "A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory."
Quotation[715] = "You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice." 
Quotation[716] = "You're never too old to learn something stupid."
Quotation[717] = "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
Quotation[718] = "I hate being bipolar - it's AWESOME." 

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